The Perfectionist Problem: Wait, What’s Wrong with Being Perfect?

Being told, “That was perfect!” is the ultimate compliment, right?

We strive for that feedback, for that feeling of phew, I did it. Being a perfectionist paid off. We hear the word perfectionist all the time, but what does it actually mean?

Perfectionism isn’t only about wanting to do a good job. It’s about setting extremely high standards for yourself, tying your worth to those standards, and being super critical if you fall short. It shows up in lots of ways: feeling like anything less than putting 100% of yourself into a task isn’t acceptable, being extremely self-critical after mistakes (“How could I be so stupid?”), spending excessive time trying to get things “just right," or avoiding or procrastinating on tasks because starting feels scary (“What if it doesn’t turn out perfectly?”)

Does this sound like you? That’s okay, it’s us too. We didn't exactly land in this specialty by accident. And that’s what makes us well positioned to talk about the drawbacks of perfectionism!

Let’s use a couple of pop-culture references to frame this, and this one is really for the 90s gals. Think about Monica Geller from Friends. She wanted everything to be perfect, even Thanksgiving dinner. Remember when everyone showed up late and she locked them out of her apartment? Because they ruined the ~perfection~ and if it wasn’t perfect, she didn’t want it to happen at all. 

Now, think about Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. Elle is objectively not the perfect Harvard Law School student (What, like it’s hard?!). But she doesn’t let the fear of imperfection stop her. She’s hardworking and ambitious as hell, and that made her successful.

Perfectionism often feels like a good thing, setting high standards can lead to impressive outcomes. But maybe we should all try to be a little more like Elle Woods: not perfect, but hardworking, ambitious, and unwilling to let the fear of falling short keep us from trying.

Which leads us to the question: Wait, what’s wrong with being perfect? Let us talk through three concerns related to perfectionism.

Perfectionism Pitfalls

1. Perfectionism Creates Constant Pressure 

At first, perfectionism works really well. Remember what we said: high standards can lead to impressive outcomes! It can feel like a superpower that keeps you organized, motivated, and productive. People notice those things, teachers praise it, bosses reward it, and friends rely on it. It’s positive, but can also create a constant internal pressure to keep achieving that same high standard. That pressure can make every task, no matter how small, feel like the stakes are high.

For example, if you’re in charge of picking the bar for girls’ night, you might think, “I need to pick the right place for drinks with the girls. I want everyone to have a good time. I don’t want to let them down.” Suddenly there’s pressure to find the perfect spot, keep everyone happy, and make sure the night goes exactly right. You might even catch yourself scanning the room all night, “Are they smiling? Are they having fun? Did I pick the right place?”

And this doesn’t just happen when we’re with friends. It often shows up at work, too. Let’s say last week after a team meeting you sent out notes that were chef’s kiss perfect, and your boss thanked you for them. This week you’re responsible for doing it again. Now there’s pressure: you can’t let the standard slip. You re-read the notes several times, tweak almost every sentence, double-check each detail, and suddenly it takes way longer than it should – all for the same “thanks!" email.

That constant internal pressure can make us feel stressed, anxious, and tired, even before we’ve actually failed at anything! It can also make it harder to start tasks and harder to enjoy our accomplishments, which brings us to the next two pitfalls.

2. Avoidance + Perfectionism = Best Friends

It’s common to think that perfectionism makes us work harder, better, and faster. But it can also make us avoid and procrastinate.

That’s because when the pressure to be perfect is high, starting a task can feel risky. “What if I can’t choose the right design for this presentation? What if my final slides aren’t worded perfectly?” Sometimes it feels easier to not start at all than to face the possibility that the task won’t meet your high standards.

So, we delay. Maybe we spend hours researching before beginning a project, rewrite the same sentence in a brief multiple times before sending it, or re-write an email several times only to leave it sitting in our draft folder.

This can pop up socially too. You might avoid an event because you can’t figure out the right thing to wear or the perfect gift to bring. It feels safer to skip it than risk doing it imperfectly.

Avoidance feels like relief; anxiety drops because we’re no longer worrying about getting it wrong. But the relief is temporary. Eventually, we still have to share the brief, send the email, and see our friends. The longer we delay, the bigger and more intimidating the task can feel, creating a cycle where perfectionism and avoidance feed each other.

3. Mistakes Feel Catastrophic and Successes Don’t Count

When you’re aiming for perfection, anything less can feel unacceptable even though there’s a lot in between perfect and failure. You might notice a small grammatical error in a brief, a statistic that’s slightly off in a presentation, or forget to copy a colleague on an email and it all is proof that you’ve failed. Perfectionism makes it feel like your worth is tied to meeting these standards, which can make mistakes feel catastrophic.

Instead of thinking, “Next time I'll re-read the email” or “That presentation didn’t go as planned,” you probably think, “How could I have messed that up?” or “I need to be better than that.”

Perfectionism works the other way too. When things go well, it doesn’t let you enjoy it. Instead of thinking, “I worked really hard on that and it paid off,” you probably think, “I just got lucky,” “they’re just being nice,” or “that wasn’t even a big deal.” 

Scrutinizing yourself like this is exhausting.

People who experience perfectionism often replay situations in their head, analyze what went wrong, what they could have done differently, and what they wish had happened. Over time, this self-monitoring turns high standards from being a source of motivation into stress. Instead of feeling proud of your effort, you’re left feeling defeated. And that can make it harder to take risks, try new things, or step outside your comfort zone. Because if mistakes feel catastrophic, it feels safer not to try.

What Can I Do? Moving from Perfectionist to Prioritizing Ambition

We don’t want you to stop caring, aiming high, or setting your standards, but we do want to start thinking about how we can move from perfection to prioritizing ambition. Here are three ways to start that journey:

1. Redefine Success

As we mentioned before, it’s common to tie our worth to outcomes, and this can make mistakes feel really hard. One way to break that cycle is to redefine what we mean by success. We can move from “I have to be perfect" to "I did the best I could at the time, learned something, and that's good enough for now."

Success isn’t founded in an idea that you have to be perfect; it’s more about effort, learning, and progress.

Ask yourself:

• Did I put in my best effort?

• What meaningful steps did I take towards my goals?

• I tried something new, what did I learn?

• Did “good enough” actually serve me well here?

  
  

2. The Case for Doing It Imperfectly

Remember how we said that sometimes we avoid things that we know won’t go perfectly? Avoidance is one of the two ways people respond to anxiety, the other is action…So lights, camera, action! (We couldn’t help ourselves).

But really, when we have that urge to avoid, it’s a sign to act. 

Taking action even when we know we can’t do something perfectly can feel really scary, and it’s also one of the best ways to challenge perfectionism. This is called an exposure: intentionally facing fear or discomfort to show ourselves that we can handle it (even though it sucks).

When you take action without being able to be perfect, you’re showing yourself that you can tolerate the anxiety that arises and that most of the time, your fears don’t come true. The presentation goes fine. No one notices the typo. The outfit was a good call. Over time, perfectionism starts to loosen its grip and life feels a little lighter.

Here are some ways to do this:

• Presentations: Rehearse one less time than you normally do before presenting at a meeting.

• Emails: Set a timer for 1-2 minutes for reviewing a long email, send once the timer is up, even if you only read through it once.

• Social: Go to dinner with your friends without changing your outfit, have someone over without cleaning your apartment (no shoving everything in closets right before, not like we would ever do that…), or pick the first restaurant that pops up on Google without reading all the reviews.

  
  

3. Find a (Human) Role Model:

Think of someone you look up to. Someone you'd describe as successful, accomplished, or just really has it together in the way you want to.

Now think about the last time you saw them make a mistake, say the wrong thing, or show up a little messy. Still just as impressive, right? (Or maybe even more so?) That's the point. The people we admire most are human (just like us).

If their imperfect moments didn't stop them from being someone worth admiring, yours won't either.

Closing Thoughts

Perfectionism can feel like a superpower, but all that pressure, avoidance, and fear of mistakes is exhausting.

We’re not asking you to ditch your high standards, but we are asking you to think about how you can move from Monica Geller to Elle Woods: hardworking and ambitious without needing to be perfect. That means trying things even when they’re messy, learning from mistakes instead of letting them feel catastrophic, and focusing on effort instead of outcomes.

So, let’s strive to be like Elle Woods: bold, determined, and a little imperfect (pink power suit optional).

Perfectionism Therapy in NYC

You’ve got this! And if perfectionism is making that harder to believe, we're here to help. Our team specializes in perfectionism therapy and CBT for anxiety, in-person in NYC and online across NY and NJ. If you recognized yourself in this, we'd love to connect.

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