Quarter-Life Crisis? Why You Feel Lost in Your 20s & 30s (and What to Do)

Remember how in The Devil Wears Prada Andy felt totally overwhelmed and didn't know who she wanted to be? Or how Rachel in Friends hit 30 and was upset because she hadn’t figured everything out yet? 

That doesn’t only happen in Hollywood. I had my own version at 25 — in graduate school, studying for finals while all my friends had “real” jobs. They were working, making money, going to happy hours, and I felt stuck, like I was falling behind and wouldn’t catch up to their lives. It made me wonder if they’d made better choices than I had, like maybe I was behind in this whole “adulting” thing. 

I later learned that this is totally normal in our 20s and 30s. We call it the quarter-life crisis, and yeah, it feels messy.

What Is a Quarter-Life Crisis?

Feeling lost in your 20s or 30s? You’re not alone. A quarter-life crisis is a period of uncertainty, stress, and self-reflection that often happens during early adulthood. It’s that phase where you start questioning your career, relationships, and even your identity, wondering if you’re where you’re “supposed” to be.

This stage often hits during big life transitions, like graduating from college, getting promoted at work, moving to New York City, or starting a new relationship. These moments can make you feel excited…and also:

• Stuck or directionless

• Constantly comparing yourself to others

• Questioning major life decisions

• Anxious about the future

• Wondering, "Is this really what I want?"

  
  

For many people, those feelings are amplified by real-world pressures, like trying to find financial stability while paying off student loans, facing family or cultural expectations, or navigating spaces where you don’t always see people who look like you.

The quarter-life crisis is common, and therapy skills can help you navigate this period with more clarity and confidence.

Identity: Who Am I, and What Do I Even Want?

Our 20s and 30s can feel like a big question mark. You’re trying to figure out who you are, what you want, and where you’re going, all while adjusting to a world that suddenly expects you to have your sh*t together. 

And then there’s social media. One day you see a coworker post about a promotion on LinkedIn, the next your middle school arch-nemesis gets engaged on Instagram, and then your college friend is dancing through London on TikTok (how can she even afford that?). You’re wondering if you should work harder to get that new job, get married, or travel more. Or maybe you’re just trying to make rent in a new city. It's a lot.

The good news: there are skills from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that can help you find clarity and reconnect with the life you actually want.

Reflect on your values: Our values are our life’s compass. They give us direction, guide decision-making, and affect our goals, behavior, and attitudes. They’re what make us us.

When we’re feeling lost, clarifying our values helps us make choices that feel more meaningful and aligned with who we truly are..

Here's how to get started:

1. List what matters to you. Grab a piece of paper and write down 8-10 things that feel important (e.g., spending time with others, being a good friend, learning new skills, having fun, feeling financially secure).

2. Narrow it down. Circle your top three values, the ones that feel most "you." 

3. Reflect. Try prompts like:

   • Imagine your 90th birthday party. Guests make speeches about you and you give a toast reflecting on a life well lived. What would you most like to hear?

   • You win the lottery! What will you do next?

   • Who are your role models? What strengths, qualities, or ways of being do you admire about them?

4. Check alignment. Ask: "How much of my daily life actually reflects these values?" 

5. Set a goal. If something feels out of sync, think about one small change you could make, like setting boundaries at work to prioritize balance, reconnecting with a hobby, or calling a friend.

Feeling Lost at Work (Even When You’re Doing Everything Right)

You’ve done it! Landed a “big kid job” (or maybe your third or fourth) and finally feel like you should know what you’re doing and what you want. But you still have a lot of questions: Do I even want to make partner? Should I be staying late because everyone else is? Did I even choose the right career?

There’s so much pressure to have it all figured out, from your boss, coworkers, family, and friends. Maybe you’re the first in your family to have this kind of job, or you’re navigating expectations around what “success” should look like. In a high-achieving, fast-paced city like New York, that pressure can be even stronger. 

You might find yourself worrying about what others will think if you don’t get that promotion, or questioning whether you’ll be financially secure if you switch jobs. These thoughts can make you feel stuck in your career and unsure of where to go from here.

When the long-term goals you’ve set for your job start to feel overwhelming, it can help to pause and break them down.

Break long-term goals into smaller, achievable steps: We often slip into “all-or-nothing” thinking: I either make partner or I’m a failure; I quit my job or I stay here forever. 

Instead of thinking about the big goals, try identifying one small, concrete step you can take this week. Maybe that’s organizing a project, asking for feedback, updating your resume, learning about a new field, or setting a realistic goal for the next few months.

Small wins can help you build confidence in your role and decisions.

Relationships, Comparison, and the Pressure to Keep Up

Romantic relationships, friendships, and family dynamics can feel a lot more complicated in your 20s and 30s. And seriously, what is it about this age that suddenly makes everyone start getting engaged? It feels like every time you open Instagram, there’s another proposal, another “save the date,” and before you know it, you have 17 weddings in a year. 

And on top of that, a different friend is buying a house, and someone else manages to have the same tight-knit friend group they’ve had since college. Meanwhile, you are trying to make new friends in NYC, navigate complicated family expectations, or figuring out what you actually want in your relationships.

You also hear lots of comments: “When are you settling down?” “Do you still talk to your high school friends?” “When are you visiting home?” And suddenly, even if you weren’t questioning it before, you start wondering: Am I behind? Should I be more like them?

This kind of pressure can make relationships, of any kind, feel like a competition. Comparing yourself to others can create the feeling that you’re somehow behind, like everyone else is hitting milestones faster than you. Even when you know there isn’t a single “right” timeline for relationships or life stages, it’s easy to feel like yours is the wrong one. You might beat yourself up for not being ready to get married, feel frustrated that you’ve drifted apart from your childhood friends, or put pressure on yourself to have the perfect family get together. 

Enter: self-compassion. Practicing self-compassion helps you step back and care for yourself,  and your self- judgments, when those comparisons start to take over.

Practice Self-Compassion:

1. Notice the moment: Catch it when that “everyone else is ahead of me” thought pops up. Instead of pushing it away, pause and acknowledge it: I’m comparing myself right now.

2. Name what you’re feeling: Ask yourself: What emotion am I feeling? Maybe it’s envy, sadness, or frustration. Naming it helps you separate the feeling from your worth.

3. Offer kindness instead of criticism: Imagine what you’d say to a friend in your situation. You probably wouldn’t tell them they’re missing out, you might remind them that everyone’s path looks different. Try offering yourself that same kindness.

4. Shift your focus: Move from “Where should I be?” to “What do I need right now?” Maybe that’s calling a friend, going for a walk, or taking a break from social media.

   
   

Self-compassion isn't just about managing hard feelings. It's also about reconnecting with what matters to you. Start by getting clear on what you actually want, not what you think you "should" want in this phase of life. Maybe that's a serious relationship. Maybe it's casual dating. Maybe it's focusing on your friendships or rebuilding relationships with your parents. All of those are valid, regardless of what everyone else is doing.

Connection matters, but it doesn't have to look like everyone else's life. Building meaningful relationships, whether that's deepening friendships, dating, or learning what you actually want in a partner, is what counts. Try to enjoy where you are right now, because this phase of your life won't last. One day you might actually miss it.

You’ve Got This & We Got You

If you’re feeling lost or confused in this stage of life, you’re not alone. Seriously! Everyone looks like they’ve got it together on Instagram, but we’ve all googled “what am I doing with my life?” at 2:00am at some point. 

A quarter-life crisis is hard, but it’s also a chance to slow down and figure out what you really want. Take one step at a time. Be kind to yourself (You’ve never been 28 before!). 

If it’s feeling a little too overwhelming to figure out on your own, therapy can help. Our team in New York City specializes in working with young adults navigating quarter-life challenges, helping you reconnect with what matters most and feel more grounded. 

Ready to find clarity, confidence, and maybe even some calm along the way?  Meet Our Team or Contact Us to get started.