What If It's Awkward? (and other concerns): Understanding Social Anxiety

You’re in a class or meeting and you hear the dreaded words: “Let’s go around and share a fun fact about ourselves!” *Cringe*

Not only have you suddenly forgotten every potentially “fun” thing about yourself, but as your turn approaches you start to blush, stumble over your words, and end up sharing something that may or may not even be true.

Personally, I typically share that I have a twin sister (always a crowd pleaser). Once, when the guy who spoke before me had the nerve to share that he had a twin sister, I panicked. Zero fun facts remaining.

On the spot with 5 seconds to spare, I didn’t know what was worse: everyone thinking I was copying him, everyone realizing I wasn’t creative enough to come up with a second fun fact, or having to suddenly pretend I had an exotic animal as a pet or passionate interest in kickboxing. 

Spoiler: I stuck with the twin thing. 

And it’s not only the pressure to come up with “fun facts” that can make us feel uneasy. Life is filled with random, awkward situations.

Maybe you find yourself rereading texts or emails before sending them, making sure you don’t sound awkward, annoying, or like “too much.” Maybe you carefully check the RSVP list to make sure you’ll know at least three people before committing to the networking event or birthday party. Or maybe you avoid going to classes at the gym, logging into dating apps, or posting on social media because you’re worried people might judge how you look. 

You might quickly leave a store without buying anything because asking for help finding your size feels beyond mortifying (and then you still don’t have anything to wear for dinner tomorrow). Or you might quietly drink your sad whipped-cream-less hot chocolate because telling the barista they forgot the whip feels like an impossible imposition.

And if you’re like most people who experience social anxiety, you’ve spent at least a few nights replaying a mildly awkward interaction while you’re showering six hours later, regretting how many “ums” you said or wondering if it was genuine when they laughed at your joke.

Social anxiety exists on a spectrum, and most of us experience at least some version of it from time to time. But for some people, the fear of saying the wrong thing, sounding awkward, or being judged starts quietly shaping decisions, relationships, and daily life.

Social Anxiety Isn’t “Being Introverted”

When people picture social anxiety, they often picture someone who's quiet, reserved, or introverted, someone who'd rather sit on the sidelines than be the center of attention.

Sometimes social anxiety does look like that. But a lot of socially anxious people are actually funny, outgoing, and crave social connection. They might lead the dinner conversation, give the wedding speech, or start the pick-up basketball game.

That's because social anxiety isn't the same thing as introversion, and it's definitely not about disliking people. It's about fear of judgment. More specifically, it's the fear that you're going to say, do, or reveal something that leads other people to judge you negatively.

Social anxiety isn't really about how much you enjoy being around people. It's about how much fear of judgment shapes what you avoid, how you think, and how much of yourself you let other people see.

It can feel physical. Attention on you cues those heart racing, chest tightening, face flushing, hands shaking, mind blanking feelings.

The mental tape can sound something like this:

Did that sound weird? 

Was I talking too much?

Did they notice my hands shaking?

Should I not have said that?

Was that joke awkward?

Am I being annoying? 

Do I seem confident? Too confident?

Normal? 

Interesting? 

Why did I just say "you too" when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal?

Why Our Brains Do This: Evolutionary Psychology

Most people with social anxiety already know, logically, that stumbling over a sentence probably won't ruin their life. The problem is that anxiety doesn't feel logical in the moment. There’s actually a reason for that.

For most of human history, belonging to a group was the difference between survival and death. Being rejected or cast out wasn't just uncomfortable, it was genuinely dangerous! Your shelter and next meal literally relied on being accepted as part of the tribe. Naturally, our brains evolved to treat social threats like physical ones: with a full alarm reaction.

So when your nervous system decides that introducing yourself to someone new feels the same as being chased by a tiger, it’s not being entirely irrational. The need to belong is real. Your brain is just turning the volume up a little too high.

The Real Problem: Social Anxiety and Avoidance

The hardest part of social anxiety usually isn’t the anxiety itself, but all the ways we start organizing our lives around trying not to feel it.

You don't raise your hand, and the spotlight moves on (until, if you’re like middle school me, your report card came with that soul-crushing “needs to participate more in class” comment). 

You skip the networking event, and the dread goes away.

You leave the message unsent, and the vulnerability disappears.

There’s relief, every time.

But avoidance has a real cost. Yes, the anxiety will likely get louder next time, but the bigger cost is what we miss out on: the friendships that start with an awkward introduction. The job opportunity that required speaking up. The relationship that began with someone having the nerve to send the first text. The trip, the team, the party where you didn't know anyone – and ended up having the best time.

Protecting ourselves from embarrassment or rejection feels reasonable in the moment. But really, a lot of meaningful things in life exist on the other side of “What if it’s awkward?”

How to Treat Social Anxiety

Social anxiety responds really well to treatment, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Therapy. A few things to try:

Challenge the Story Anxiety Is Telling You

Social anxiety runs on a few pretty reliable thinking traps.

• Mind reading: assuming we know what someone else is thinking. "She totally thought that was weird." (Meanwhile, she was probably thinking about what to get for lunch.)

  
  

• Catastrophizing: jumping straight to the worst possible outcome. "If I mess this up everyone will notice and I'll never live it down."

  
  

When you notice those thoughts popping up, try asking yourself a few questions:

What's the evidence for and against this?

What would I say to a friend who had this thought? 

What's the most realistic outcome here? 

Have I (or someone I know well) handled something like this before and been okay? 

You don't have to convince yourself everything is perfectly fine, but giving your brain a slightly more balanced story calms down the alarm a little. 

Practice, Practice, Practice

Exposure therapy means intentionally doing the things anxiety tells you to avoid, gradually, and with a little humor and self-compassion when things don’t go perfectly. 

The goal isn't to transform into the loudest person at the party or magically stop caring what people think (wouldn’t that be nice!). It's to learn that you can feel a little anxious, awkward, or embarrassed, and survive it. 

You also get to test those anxious predictions. 

Anxiety predicted that everyone would laugh if your voice shook during the presentation. Did they? 

Was the cashier really annoyed when you asked for change for your $20? If so, were you able to handle it? 

Over time, you start collecting actual evidence instead of just running on worst-case hypotheticals.

Sometimes exposure looks big, like agreeing to give a presentation or asking someone on a first date. But you can also start smaller.

Things like:

• Sending the text without rereading it

• Sharing your opinion in a class or meeting

• Letting an awkward silence exist without rushing to fill it

• Going to the event even if you only know one person there

• Sending a text to ask someone about their weekend plans

• Wearing the outfit you like without changing, even if it’s wrinkled

• Asking the barista to remake your order

• Posting the photo without asking three friends if you look okay first

• Calling to ask a restaurant about a reservation instead of using Resy

• Admitting you don’t know something

  
  

With practice, you learn that awkwardness isn’t an emergency. It’s just part of being a person sometimes. And fear of judgment doesn’t actually have to decide how you live your life.

Ask me (the fun fact avoider) how I know.

Social Anxiety Therapy in NYC

If any of this feels painfully familiar, you’re in good company. The good news is that social anxiety is something that can genuinely improve with treatment.

Our team specializes in CBT and exposure therapy for social anxiety, in-person in NYC and virtually across New York and New Jersey.

We also created the Exposure Deck, a set of creative, real-life exposure ideas to practice making connections, asking for what you need, and being noticed. Because sometimes the hardest part of exposure therapy is figuring out where to start. 

Meet Our Team or Contact Us for a free phone consultation.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Social Anxiety

Is social anxiety the same as being introverted?

Not quite. Introversion is a personality trait that describes where people tend to get their energy. Introverts tend to prefer smaller groups or quieter environments and may need time alone to recharge after socializing. Social anxiety, on the other hand, is characterized by a persistent fear of being judged, embarrassed, or negatively evaluated by others.

You can be introverted without having social anxiety, and you can have social anxiety while being outgoing, social, and genuinely enjoying being around people. The defining feature isn't how much you like people, it's how much fear of judgment influences your thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

What is the best treatment for social anxiety?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), particularly CBT that includes exposure therapy, is considered the gold-standard therapy for social anxiety. CBT helps you learn coping strategies to minimize distress and gradually face situations that make you anxious. CBT also helps you identify and test anxious predictions and learn through experience that you can tolerate uncertainty, awkwardness, and even occasional embarrassment. Over time, this helps anxiety become less intense and have less power over your life.

When does social anxiety usually develop?

Social anxiety often begins during childhood or adolescence, with many people recalling worries

about fitting in, speaking up in class, or being judged by peers from a young age. However, it can also develop later in life. Bullying, repeated criticism, humiliating experiences, major life transitions, or increased social demands (like a new job that requires lots of public speaking) can all contribute. Most of the time, though, there isn't one single cause. Research suggests social anxiety develops through a combination of genetics, temperament, learning experiences, and environmental factors.

When should I seek therapy for social anxiety?

Everyone feels self-conscious sometimes. But if fear of judgment is causing you to avoid situations, overthink interactions long after they're over, or miss out on opportunities that matter to you, it's worth seeking support. You don't have to wait until your anxiety feels "severe enough." If it's consistently getting in the way of the life you want to live, therapy can help.